People love to shop online. I think eBay and Craigslist are the new capitalism, and someday all the shopping malls will be turned into gigantic indoor zoos, since all commerce will be carried out online. The only businesses left in operation will be gas stations, since shipping gasoline is just not a great idea, and convenience stores, since people in need of cigarettes, Slim Jims and malt liquor usually can't wait for overnight shipping. Oh, and you probably won't be able to purchase what one Brockton, Mass., man was allegedly trying to sell. According to police, Tyrone Burgo, 20, posted an ad online offering cocaine for sale, and was even helpful enough to include a phone number. Far from appreciating the efforts of this young go-getter, the police arrested him after calling the phone number to arrange a meeting. I would recommend Mr. Burgo file suit for restraint of trade immediately. Granted, the merchandise he was allegedly trying to sell was illegal, but such niceties can easily be stomped into obscurity by a properly trained attorney.
In other news today...for the past few months, I've stayed quiet. A lot of you alert readers out there have continued to send me snippets here and there about the activities of the Evil Squirrels, but I have a life now and must be careful about angering the Nightmare Union of Terrible Squirrels (N.U.T.S.).
However, in light of the latest development involving a suicidal squirrel bent on exterminating humans, I must once again break my silence, emerge from my squirrel-proof bunker and stand out in the open.
You see, the squirrels have begun to abandon their previous tactics of annoying humans, chewing through powerlines, terrifying cats and dogs, shredding window screens and other terrorist acts and have begun carrying out suicide missions intended to take human lives. A woman in Bemidji, Minn., was killed and a man left unconscious when a squirrel got stuck in a propane line in a furnace and filled their home with toxic fumes. This is plainly an escalation on the squirrels' part and must be watched closely. I'll keep an eye on things, and my well-placed spies within the squirrel world will keep me informed.
Alert Readers around the world have continued to update me on tree rat behavior around the world, and I invite all of you to join their ranks and send your squirrel news and photos to me. :) Thankfully, however, the Evil Squirrels haven't done a thing to halt the weird behavior of we biped sorts, otherwise this would be an awfully short entry. Got Bigfoot in the back yard? Crop circles in the pansies? Drop me a line anytime! Large cash grants and professions of undying love also accepted.